The Lava Tube

Seriously.  I just got in a minor fender bender and things would be so much simpler if cars had an inch thick layer of rubber on top of the metal.  I was turning left at a light, thought I had enough time, and apparently didn't.  The damage was pretty minor on both vehicles and the other girls airbags didn't even go off.  She ended up t-boning me and her bumper is a little wiggly, but didn't even pull away from the car side.  My jeep has a dent right behind the passenger side wheel and a couple scratches on the door.  I'm seriously not sure who's fault this really is, but it'll likely go on mine since I was making the left turn.  The girl I hit was very cool about it and we've called back and forth a few times to get information, so I don't think there will be any fighting about it.  I'm not looking forward to the increase in insurance, but that's life.  Funny considering just the other day I was congratulating myself for being such a good little driver for so long.

Not in the sense of working in an office.  But I have a sustainable job lined up for after the Halloween store at the Bellevue Square mall Gymboree.  I had an excellent interview there last week and got the offer today on my voicemail about an hour ago.  The job pays decently, it's in a nice safe location, and it's permanent.  My three basic criteria are set, plus I like the people I met there.  I strongly suspect I will learn a lot about fashion, but I'm okay with that.  Also, my neice and nephew (and any other small children that I know) are going to get such cute christmas presents.

So even the University of Phoenix can create financial aid fuckups.  I really shouldn't have been surprised by this, it's a university, there job is to test the student's stress endurance.  However, I find it a little unforgiveable that my personal finance counselor didn't take the time to change the numbers in the form letter he sent me to reflect the fact that the university decided to give me my aid all in one chunk in March.  After a couple of phone calls and a faxed form my aid will be coming at some point this fall like it's supposed to, but the have to redo the whole submission process, which can take 1-90 days. 

Financial Aid is the Devil.  Never forget.

Happier news abounds in that I may have the in to a permanent job.  Retail, and in Bellevue, but it pays $10.40/hr and full time so I'll take it.  Any job that I can go to for an indefinte amount of time would be ideal.

Yesterday gave me the most frightening experience of my life.  I scratched the top of a bug bite off my foot when half asleep about a week ago and was left with a scab that would get stuck to my sweaty work socks.  You know, the average thing when you attack a bug bite.  Yesterday I got up and noticed a red smudge winding out of the scab, I thought nothing of it until after my shower when there were suddenly two smudges.  A dozen fictional accounts of what blood poisoning looks like are flying through my head, so I decide to do a little research.  In the ten minutes I'm on the computer the smudges have turned to solid red lines following the blood vessels in my foot and have grown by an inch.  I call the nearest emergency room question line and get the answer of "I can't give you advice over the phone, but if it was me I would be on my way."  I hustle into the nearest emergency room and am told that I do indeed have the start of a case of blood poisoning, made more serious by the fact that it's in my foot and there's no fatty tissue to absorb the infection, immediately given a perscription for huge doses of Keflex to take over the next week, and told that if there is any spreading of the infection to come back into the emergency room to be hospitalized and get IV anitbiotics.

As of right now the Keflex is doing it's job and the lines have been reduced to a vague redness around the scab.  The medicine makes me a little dizzy and nauseous, but the threat to my life is gone.  This infection, had I left it, would have been fatal.

That 45 minutes in the morning before I went to the hospital were terrifying.  I was watching the lines crawl up my foot and knew, knew, that if I didn't take care of it that morning, that my life might be in danger.  The infection was spreading so fast... every time I looked at it it had grown and was coming closer to hurting me.  I was watching it and feeling the grim reaper walking closer and all the while thinking "This can kill me.  Oh god, this can end my life."  All those concerns I had about money and the cost of medical things flew out the window after I spoke to the emergency room.  This wasn't just a worry I had, this was the real deal, the same infection that nearly killed my roommate two years ago, except mine was coming at me through my foot and there was no one to tell me how to deal with this.  I sat at my computer looking at this deadly infection spreading and feeling more alone than I've ever felt, there was no one to call, no one that could come to my side to help me with this.  I took a moment to shove that awful train of thought aside, gathered up all the stuff I needed for work, and went to the hospital.  I got my diagnosis, my roommate (Jen) met me at the pharmacy to buy my medicine for me because I was so broke I couldn't spend $8.99 on Keflex, I went to work and tried to pretend I wasn't scared out of my mind, that I wasn't thinking of nothing but the lines underneath my sock, that I was terrified that by the end of the day instead of the lines going away they would be all over my foot and up my leg.  I went home and found the lines were reduced to a red smear.  The relief was amazing, the terror of 'almost' was nearly all consuming and still is.  Now I'm terrifed of every tiny ache and pain and bump.  I've lost that feeling of invincibility that characterizes youth and I weep for it.

The assistant manager at the halloween store quit today.  The aquarium store is awesome and agreed to let me take a leave of absence so I can have an open schedule in order to be the new assistant.

That's right, two weeks at the new job and I've been promoted to assistant manager.

I. ROCK.

My head hurts so bad.  I've got all the symptoms of swine flu.  Last night I had the worst fever on my life and shook so bad I thought I would never stop.  I have had a solid and nasty headache since last night that no pain meds are helping.  Eating is causing nausea, so I've had very little food today.  I'm having trouble focusing my eyes.  I'm trying to drink water to say hydrated, but no amount is enough to stop me from feeling thirsty.  My whole body is aching and to add insult to injury I have constant diarrhea. 

This really, really bites the big one.

I am now employed at the local Spirit Halloween store.  It's okay, but I think I'll like it better once it's open and all this god awful heavy lifting is done.  I was at work a total of two hours when this incident occured with my cool, but blunt manager.

The weirdest moment ever at a new job.

Me: *putting stuff on a peg board*
Manager: *walks up* Hey!  Nice work! So are you Canadian?
Me: *More confused than I've ever been*
Manager: Cause we think you have a Canadian accent and you brought in a passport for your ID.  Were you born in Canada and then moved here?
Me: *blink* No... I have Canadian friends that I see infrequently, and I tend to mimic accents that I hear, but I have no explanation for this.
Manager: Oh...huh...

Do I have a Canadian accent?  I'm feeling oddly insecure about this.

I'm getting a refund check again!  Oh glory and joy!  Refund check day is coming September 16th!

I've just realized that I would benefit from counseling and am annoyed that even though I'm in school, the whole online thing means there is no on-campus counseling service for my use.

*defeated sigh* Dammit. 

I'm finding a huge frustration in the fact that I live with three dogs, but I'm not allowed to discipline them when they're bad, not allowed to train them 'different than how they're already being trained' when there is no training going on, or make suggestions on how to improve doggie attitudes.  Correction, I can discipline Doc when he gets on the kitchen counter and destroy's whatever is up there, but the roommates have said no more kenneling in a disciplinary manner.  That's totally cool, but when I asked what the alternative was so I could help train what they wanted, the answer was both "I don't know yet" and "just say no and then ignore them".  Which are totally useless as far as effective training goes.  The other day I got some carrot chunks for treats and worked on 'leave it' by dropping carrot chunks and stopping them by the command when they went for it, then rewarding them for stopping on my signal.  I figured reinforcing leave it would help in keeping the dogs away from the kitchen and counter.  When I told the roomies about working on 'leave it' I got told that until we all sat down and discussed what training to use that I shouldn't train them in any way, oher than getting them to sit, stay, etc.  That would be great if I ever thought they were going to do it.  And I understand, the dogs are theirs, they need to know what's going on and have all final say in what they do, but they didn't seem to have an issue when I trained the dogs to lie down and wait with treats in front of their noses until the okay command.  

*sigh* I know, their dogs, their decision, but it would help if I was informed and if I could DO something about the misbehavior, considering I live here and have to deal directly with it.  I get dinged when I play with the dogs in the yard if it's with the wrong toy too.  I was playing fetch with the rope toy and when the roomies came home I only then found out that they didn't want the rope toy used because the dogs were playing too rough with it, but they didn't bother to tell me or remove it from the yard.  I can't keep up with the dog rules.  Whatever.  It's apparent I should butt out entirely.  And again, it's their decision, so I should stop whining about it and move on.

My aquarium job is busted down to two days a week following Labor day weekend.  I am doing the usual job search thing and hoping for the best.  There is a chance of getting on at the salon where Rain works as a bather.  It's full time and I'd take it if offered just for the financial security.

Is it wrong to miss being able to recount my day to someone and have them care?  Every day I am just bursting to tell someone all about the minor and funny things that happen throughout the day and feel very pent up when I end up not being able to share an 1/8 of it because I can't work it into conversation.  So I end up telling it to my coworkers the next day.  They have been remarkably wonderful in this regard.

I miss Mom.  I miss calling everyday and having that connection.  I miss having a mom, having someone who is instantly ready to storm the gates for her baby, I miss that closeness that we had achieved.  Yes, she was crazy and often exasperating, but she was mom, and I miss her a lot.

I've been meditating lately and working on finding out exactly what I feel about things and why I feel that way.  I've discovered (this evening in fact) why I feel generally unhappy.  It's not any fault of my roommates, despite my occasional annoyance with them, it's that my emotional needs aren't being met and while I'm working on changing what I require from other people it's not moving nearly fast enough.  I'm used to giving a lot of care and support and getting a lot back.  Right now I'm not needed by anyone, and this is kind of a horrible feeling.  It makes me feel like I have no purpose.  I know I'm liked and loved by many people, but needed?  Nope.  So I'm working on shifting my perceptions to not insist that someone needs to be depending on me for it to be a supportive/supporting relationship.  While I don't like it, and wish that I didn't have to go through all this obnoxious mental work and lonlieness while I get things rearranged, I think it's likely for the best.  If I go looking for long term relationships with the idea in my head that I need to be taking care of someone for it to be meaningful... I can't see that ending well.  Life is kind of poo right now.  I don't do much besides work, pay bills, do my homework, and wish I had someone to tell my day to.  I do persist it will get better.  The evidence I hold is that today I got told off by my 7-11 person for no valid reason and I took revenge by giving the most awesome customer service ever when I got to work to prove to myself that I was better than the 7-11 lady and then it turned out to be a fantastic day because of my efforts.